Thousands of Spiders Found in Family Home

5

October 11, 2014 by JImbo

Thousands of venomous spiders force family to abandon their $450K suburban St. Louis home

THIS is why I live in New York.

Plus all my stuff’s here.

And we have actual seasons besides “Hot” and “Blazing Hot.”

Up here we have “Construction” and “Winter.”

But mostly it’s because of all the damn spiders down south.

See those colored areas? Yeah, do NOT want to live there.

That and the “fast food” takes about 2 hours to get your order.

But mostly the spiders.

This is a Brown Recluse Spider.

This is two Brown Recluse Spiders and a quarter.

This is you after a Brown Recluse bite.

Yes, those TINY spiders do THAT to your flesh. It’s not just poison. It’s NECROTIC poison that kills the flesh so they can munch on the dead, decaying skin and muscle.

This is a bunch of babies busting out of an egg sac and the point of a toothpick for comparison.

I dunno why but the SMALLER a spider is, the more I hate them. Camel spiders are actually BETTER to me. They’re at least big enough you can see them easily… and shoot.

I know you’ve seen them in pictures “as big as a car tire.” Well.. they’re not. At least any I’ve ever seen. And yes, I know they’re technically kin to scorpions not spiders. They’re pretty much that same thing when they’re chasing you.

Alright so they don’t chase YOU per se. They like to feed on dead or sleeping things. Cool fun fact… Camel Spiders have numbing venom that lets them feed on you while you’re sleeping like a mosquito does so you don’t even feel it. You notice in the morning when you have a hole in your arm… but I digress.

Not So Cool Fact… they can still climb walls and ceilings. It is bad waking up with a bite hole in your leg where it’s been gnawing on you. It’s TERRIFYING when it’s sitting 12 inches above your face watching you from the bunk above you.

 

This is a circus tent that is somehow supposed to stop them. Are clowns their natural enemies in the wild?

Just kidding.

Clowns are too scary and spiders would run away from them.

I’ve been told there are lots of natural enemies of the Brown Recluse. Crickets, Birds, etc.

OH JESUS… I had to look up www.brownrecluse.com

And there’s it’s buddy the Hobo Spider. They look pretty much the same as the Brown Recluse. Close a friggin’ nuff.

Well that’s okay. I didn’t like Seattle anyway.

I love their helpfully terrifying FAQ page.

What should I do if I get bit?

Consult a physician. In extreme cases where the bite was not taken care of early, skin graft, amputation, and the possibility of bone marrow failure may occur.

AMPUTATION?

Are you kidding me?

FML.

What are natural preditors of Hobo and Brown Recluse Spiders?

There are 3 major predator spider types that if found in homes seem to reduce the amount of Hobo spiders: the Steatoda spiders, Large jumping spiders, and the other harmless European House spiders.

Pets such as cats will feed on Hobo and Brown Recluse spiders after playing with them. The preying mantis will also eat Hobo spiders but due to its day time activity and the Hobo spiders night time activity optimum results are not achieved.

Other competitors or predators would include birds, cats, “cat face” spiders, wolf spiders, some crab spiders, several wasps, and other web weavers that may catch a hobo in its web and then feast. The reason for some of the effectiveness of these other insects is not because they are incredible hunters. Instead, it is because of competitive exclusion or in other words, there just isn’t enough room or food for the hobo spider so it won’t try to make a home.

So, no killing off those web-spinning spiders. Or wasps. Birds I’m already cool with when they don’t poop on my car.

I think I’m still gonna kill wolf spiders.

Can’t trust them beady little eyes… and they shed like crazy. Plus the spiders on webs are bad enough. Spiders that bite AND leap 6′ in the air?

Not happenin’.

Not in my house anyway. I realize camping is a different story. We’re out in their territory. I get that.

For some insane reason the US military builds most of their bases in spider heaven. If it you don’t have to cut the humidity with a knife, or have a million spiders per square mile they seem to pass on building a base there.

The exception is Niagara Falls. There they just apparently said “Hey, land in the ghetto is cheap. Let’s build there. It’ll be good training for urban warfare too!”

So, I get spiders living in the wild. Occupational hazard. Gotta live with ’em.

But not the house. Not my tent. Not my sleeping bag. Not my boot.

Now I want a parrot. Yes it will come in handy when I retire as a pirate to the Caribbean. But in the meantime it can eat all those frickin’ spiders!

Also I’d train my parrot to attack clowns.

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5 thoughts on “Thousands of Spiders Found in Family Home

  1. Chai says:

    Alright, this is my new favorite post. At least so far.
    Educational and hilarious. Also there are very few ways to express my loathing of clones, so that humor immediately won me over all the more

    Liked by 1 person

  2. JImbo says:

    Clones or clowns? I can see arguments again Best both.

    Like

  3. […] better than that of the stodgy old Daily Mail. Not quite as informative as say this one about the Thousands of Spiders Found in Family Home of […]

    Like

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