“The Crawl, Walk, Run Training Method” OR “What You Really Need is a Cook”


August 8, 2014 by JImbo

Forrest Gump Training Method

That’s why you want an Army Cook running your shit. We don’t “mess” around. (Get it?)

We don’t get to do that whole “training” thing at “Annual Training.”

We come, we cook, we wrap it up. Everything is OJT. You sink or swim.

What is this “training time” we keep hearing about? Or for that matter what is this “free time” I’ve heard rumor of? Sounds like Commie propaganda to me.

aint nobody got time for that

If you want something done, you really need a cook. They’re the best teachers, leaders and managers around. They have to be.


I’ll give you the Top Ten Reasons.

10-Cooks run on very little sleep. An average of 2-3 hours at a time is normal. Sometimes it’s twice a day. Other times it’s just once, especially if there are other “additional tasks” added outside the DFAC.


9- Cooks make the best Trainers. If they are given help it is often “KPs” or rather untrained, low-ranking and often troubled soldiers. They need to be able to get them up to speed quickly and motivate them to get things done with the old “Motivation, Direction and Purpose.” Sometimes it takes drastic measures.

Light Saber

8-Cooks are good with working with new people. Rarely do you work with the same people very long. On larger operations where KPs aren’t enough, multiple mess sections are thrown together with very little warning or planning. It’s up to the cooks to make it work.



That’s the convoy I had to set up from scratch this morning to go get the food. It involved 6 different vehicles and 12 troops from 8 different sections.

Yeah there were already people at the warehouse waiting. We had to politely tell them to GFTO because we ARE Honey Badgers after all!

honey badger

7- They’re organized.


6- They are great at thinking outside the box to solve problems.


The regulation says nothing about binder clips on your T-shirt that sort of resemble nipple rings.

5- As you’ve already discovered, they have a GREAT sense of humor! Ok so maybe it’s a bit snarky, sarcastic and dark. I prefer to think of it as an acquired taste. You try working 18 hour days starting at 2am.


Only rarely does it backfire, such as when we posted a sign that said “It’s 5am: Do you know where your battle buddy is?” The Sergeant Major for some reason thought it applied to him PERSONALLY and screamed that he was a Sergeant Major and had no need for a “Battle Buddy!”

Camouflage Safety Belts2

No, it really doesn’t make any more sense today. Or there was the time one of the KPs labeled the Fruit Punch Drink as “It’s Da Bomb.” A guy from EOD (Bomb Disposal) screamed at me about how his job was disposing of bombs and “I’m gonna come in here and blow it up to show you how dangerous it is to joke about that sort of thing!!!”

I’ve heard of a joke “bombing” but… wow… that was the first time I was threatened with explosives because of a bad pun. Sadly it wasn’t the last.


4- There aren’t any officers in the kitchen. Shit gets done. Do I really need to explain this?


3- They’re good in stressful situations. There IS no real “training” most of the time for cooks. We are expected to do everything everyone else does in addition to our “real world” job of actually feeding people. It’s often on short notice with little planning and lots of last minute changes. Those who can’t adapt and overcome…. are overcome.


Then there are the unusual decisions to be made in unique situations…


2- They are creative! This is why many Cooks are Rednecks. They have gumption without limit. Ingenuity comes second nature.

Welcome Mat

Your truck doesn’t have a cup holder?

Redneck Cup Holder

It does now! And best of all it ALSO has a roll of the Handyman’s Secret Helper (Duct Tape)

And not that cheap shit. That stuff won’t hold a door on. Yes, it CAN do that. A Humvee one anyway, if you use enough in the right places.

1- They’re COOKS! Don’t chicks dig a man who can cook? And I know most women don’t cook anymore either. Finding a good girl that has mad grillin’ skills is a rare catch.

And so now you know why Cooks are awesome. Be sure to tell your friends so they can be sure to honor their local neighborhood Professional Spoon Operator.

(I found a lot of old signs I’d made while in Kuwait on my laptop. Figured might as well use them for visual emphasis. What a long, strange career it’s been and it ain’t over yet.)



2 thoughts on ““The Crawl, Walk, Run Training Method” OR “What You Really Need is a Cook”

  1. Rob says:

    Ha ha ha. Reminds me of my AT. We don’t get a lot of chances to use our equipment either. Fun for the two guys in my detachment that actually work with concrete in their civilian jobs. Though the rest of us at least sort of know what we’re doing.


  2. JImbo says:

    No better way to learn than by doing I suppose!


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