Stachetats Sweep the Nation


July 29, 2014 by JImbo

So this is apparently a real thing now.


I saw them in the convenience store today. I though it was a joke. No, they’re real.

I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would buy these. I’m hip to the power of a well trimmed moustache. I’d ALMOST buy that it’s some sort of feminist empowerment thing.

But no, it’s apparently just “fashionable.”Oh for the love of God, WHY?

I went to the source.

Apparently these ARE popular because they now come in 140 different styles.

Yes, you read right.


stachetats2 (just a small part of the huge selection)

I can’t figure out why anyone would want ONE.. let alone that many!

May God have mercy on my soul, but I HAD to see what else was on offer. That, and I have a sadistic streak reserved only for those who park in handicapped spaces and the NSA spooks who might go through my internet history.

Go ahead. I dare you. TRY to make sense of it! Muahahahaha!

I can see them scratching their heads in frustration now.

“Domestic Terrorism? Cuttlefish? Orbital re-entry velocities? Traffic Circles? Moustache Tattoos?


Anyway back to stachetats.

I hope I get a really cool sponsorship from them for all this free advertising. All five of my subscribers might buy up to zero stachetats. I can’t even admit I’d buy one.

Quite honestly my own moustache is quite glorious at this point. It’s no Ron Swanson, but it’s good enough for me.

ron swanson- moustache

So WHO you ask, is the target audience? From what I can figure it’s women, children and girly men who can’t grow a moustache. Oh, and fans of losing sports teams that are hiding from shame.

stachetats buffalo sabres

Seriously??? Who ADVERTISES they’re a Buffalo Sabres fan? They’re the WORST IN THE LEAGUE! When you lose 3/4 of the games you play I can see a reason to hide. That is possibly the worst attempt at hiding in shame I’ve ever seen.


groucho marx glasses

Sure you’ll look like an idiot, but not a LOSER. There’s only one thing that stinks worse than the Sabres and that’s…


Who the hell wants THAT under your nose? It’s like having armpit shoved right up your nose. Uh oh… I think I’ve just given stachetats a new marketing idea.


I’ll be happy with a small 20% royalty on those. No big deal. I’m not greedy.

One thought on “Stachetats Sweep the Nation

  1. Patrick says:

    I’m thinking if you want to be a Musketeer, Pirate, Spy, these would be perfect…Wink…Wink!


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