July 24, 2014 by JImbo
Since the World Cup I’ve been wondering for awhile now why I just can’t seem to get on the Soccer bandwagon. I just don’t see it. It’s just plain boring.
Then I thought about what made traditional American sports great. When you take out the parties, cheerleaders and beer it all comes down to two things.
Rules and Violence.
Look at football. (OUR football, not “Soccer.”) Without one or the other of those factors it would be kinda lame.
Without tackling and slamming into people you’d have a lame sort of rugby. Boring.
Without the rules and a reason for playing you’d just have guys beating on one another for no reason. We already have Professional Wrestling for that.
Hockey? It’s like soccer but you get to beat people up so it’s not AS boring. Plus, it’s more of a Canadian sport and they’re only half Americans anyway.
Baseball? While there is less overt violence in the rules, it still includes plenty of crashing into one another sliding into bases and bench-clearing brawls. Batters either get hit with the ball or angrily bash it into outer space. Besides, it has more complicated rules which in some way makes up for its less than spectacular violence.
Those aren’t sports in my book. They’re not American either. No, for a REAL sport you need a combination of both Rules and Violence.
Oh I’m not saying we can’t MAKE Soccer awesome. I’m all about solutions to problems. You just have to AMERICANIZE it.
We can either add rules, or add violence or both. We have some fine rules-heavy games. Besides, Soccer fans really aren’t the kind of people to follow a lot of rules.
So, we’re gonna crank up the violence. Hmmmmm. Where can we get an extreme amount of violence to make up for the minimum of rules?
While we’re at it, how can we bring the “Redneck” out in this sport? You just don’t hear “Goooooooooal!” on TV Sunday afternoons in the trailer park. You need to reach the NASCAR crowd.
I got it.
Cars. Violence. Mayhem. Perfect.
So, we replace the wussy Europeans in speedos for Rednecks in beat up wrecks intent on destruction. We can weld a nice brush guard on the front that extends almost to the ground and wraps around the front fenders. (To stop the ball getting stuck in the front wheels.)
And…. that’s about it. Everything else pretty much involves getting the ball into the opposing team’s goal… and using the maximum amount of violence to do it. Now THAT I’d pay to see!
Ideally I wouldn’t have to pay since I invented it. Or patented it. I didn’t see it anywhere on 5 minutes on Google, but hey if someone else has patented it already… WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU DOING IT?!?!?!
Goddamn guys what the hell is wrong with you? That’s a sweet idea. You could have a real moneymaker on your hands.
I’d also get rid of the 3-period system. Just have 4 x 15 minute quarters at most. That’s about as long as you can run without the stalled and demolished cars blocking up the field.
Every quarter you’d have a break so they can tow off the wrecked vehicles. The drivers can duct tape their cars. The truly smashed can either swap cars out or be replaced with fresh players eager for action.
The “Wreckettes” can get up to shake their money makers, with pom poms, denim skirts and grease-stained tight work shirts and caps. That or a full “Mad Max” theme of tight leather, spikes and tattoos to go with the look of the cars. I haven’t decided yet.
I really suck at names though. It’d have to be something catchy. Demolition Soccer? Smash-ball? Crash and Pass?
Then there’d have to be some cool team names. They’d probably be named after sponsors like NASCAR rather than cities like in other Football or Baseball.
Goals n Skoal? Pabst Blue Driven? Pure Grits? (get it? Grit? And Grits?) Or maybe Kiss My Grit? The Silver Mullets?
You get the idea. I’m horrible at this naming thing. Come up with your own and share them. It can be a fun group thing.
What should the new sport be called?
What would we call the teams?
Is anyone still reading this?
Because if so… I’ve got a GREAT new idea for MUSICALS WITHOUT MUSIC!
There IS such a thing as “Demolition Derby Soccer.” I stand corrected. Great minds think alike apparently. Or is that Sick minds?
Okay so like me they couldn’t come up with something better than “Demolition Derby Soccer.” It’s not really original but it looks really frickin’ fun.
And HOLY SHIT there’s a COMBINE DERBY!
God Bless America.
I have yet to see cheerleaders and I’m kinda sad they haven’t included any cool “Mad Max” spikes and flamethrowers. Still you gotta admit we’re still a nation of serious Redneck Genius!