5 O’ Clock Somewhere

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July 22, 2014 by JImbo


As I’m lying in my new awesome racist hammock with a beer in hand, a few things occur to me.

First, that it’s 5 o clock somewhere. I think that somewhere is somewhere in the Mountain time zone actually. Montana maybe?

Scratch that. If it’s 7:14pm here it’d still be 5:14 there, not 5:00. Come to think of it there’s nowhere in the world it’s EXACTLY 5:00 “somewhere” since time zones are pretty much an hourly thing.

Well, except for India and Iran. They’re kinda screwed up and anti-social. They are a half hour out of whack with everyone else.

And Nepal. Otherwise known as “Where climbers go to die ‘natural deaths’ in the most horrific ways nature can devise.” Freezing to death, falling thousands of feet and being mauled by wild animals are all “natural” but none of them “pleasant.” It makes sense that the “Land of Death” would intentionally be 45 minutes different from everyone else.

So, we’ve established that unless it’s on the hour, half past or quarter to… it can’t be 5 o clock somewhere. Otherwise you’re good. I’m glad that’s as clear as mud.

You can tell politicians and bureaucrats made up the idea of “time zones.” It wasn’t to make things easier for us. The average person just looked at the sun and planned accordingly.

When the sun comes up, you get up. When it is overhead, it’s lunch. When it goes down you go to bed. Pretty simple stuff. We really didn’t need someone to tell us what time it is. Much like the Honey Badger, it doesn’t care what we think.

I prefer to think of the Sun as the God Apollo riding his horse drawn chariot across the sky on his chariot of fire laughing at us mere mortals worrying about petty things like daylight savings time and resetting our microwave clocks. Then I think about what flaming flying horse poop would be like falling from the sky and I pray that there is NOT an Apollo riding in a horse-drawn flaming chariot up there.

I know that scientifically, if we actually measured it there would be a tiny difference between the angle of the sun from one end of a huge time zone and the other. The sun doesn’t instantly, magically disappear in one time zone and appear in another. It moves gradually between them. (And yes, wise-ass I know the Sun isn’t actually MOVING, just the Earth spinning but I’m gonna stick to my traditional Earth-centric ideals mister Heliocentric wuss. Why? Cuz… ‘Merica! That’s why. If you don’t like our planet the way it is then you can just leave it and go live on the Sun if you love it so much! )

Where was I? Oh yeah. The Sun moving supersonically through the sky. That’s right. In fact, jets can fly faster than the time zones. It’s simple math.

Since it takes 24 hours for the Earth to spin around and it’s about 25,000 miles around then it must be spinning 1,042 miles per hour. That’s almost Mach 1.6 for you Top Gun fans. (Yes, Mr. Heliocentric, I’m aware that the Speed of Sound means nothing when the Sun is in space and there is no sound. Have you moved to the goddamn Sun yet? Sheesh)

Ok, I’m WAY WAY WAY off topic here, but strangely still on it. If you’re lost yet it’s because you haven’t been drinking along with me. In my hammock. My Awesome Racist Hammock.

More on that in a minute.

So, we’ve settled that it’s SOMETIMES 5 O clock SOMEWHERE. Not quite as catchy a song I admit. I guess for accuracy we could say “It’s after 5 O Clock somewhere.”

That would be accurate enough. Seriously, who cares if it’s 5:02 or 5:21? The point is you’re done work at 5:00 right? (Provided you work the 9-5 shift and your boss doesn’t make you work late.) I’m gonna just end this here because the sheer number of exceptions to this simple country song is making my head hurt.

This brings me to the second thing I want to rant about. Namely, my new AWESOME RACIST HAMMOCK! It’s the Archie Bunker of lawn furniture. Now I can have the comforts of pirate life without the scurvy and drowning and stuff.

Admittedly is it a bit racist.


“Negro?” Really? This is 2014 people! But, I get it. They have to translate it into French and the Frogs are notorious racists. C’est la vie, mon ami.

I know I have a stack of shit to do but… HAMMOCK! How the hell can I not lay here, listening to the birds and enjoying fresh raspberries? That’s right. It’s in arms reach of the raspberry bushes! You know what they say. Location, location, location.


Thank God for the redneck genius who invented the laptop. Oh you doubt me? I can assure you it indeed was a redneck who invented it.

Ask yourself where in the city are you not near a building with internet and electricity? Why would someone surrounded by computers everywhere you look intentionally create one that operates AWAY from electrical sources? Someone who spends a lot of time in the country!

Anyway, I can see what a great gig writers have. They actually get PAID to sit around and write all day? Sign me up! All I gotta do is write a few books and get people to buy them? SOLD!

Granted it’s not my dream job. That would be what those two old guys in the balcony did on the Muppet Show. I think they basically made rude comments the whole show. THAT is my dream job.

Mupper Guys

I’d write books as a backup job though. Laying in a hammock all day writing what pops into your head? Awesome.

For example, reviewing products. Take this hammock for example. It’s solidly constructed, with a decent instruction book. Granted when it says it’s in “English” it means English words… not sentences. It doesn’t necessarily READ as English but the words in there are technically from the English language.

I’d give this a difficulty of setup of ONE BEER. Not too bad. Also it came with a couple extra cheap wrenches. Not Craftsman specials but hey, free wrenches!


The only design flaw I can see so far is a lack of a cup holder. Alright technically that’s a lack of a BEER holder. Maybe some one of your Redneck Geniuses out there could come up with a good solution. I have a couple ideas.

I forget what the third thing was. This thing may be a one beer to build hammock, but it’s definitely a couple more to fully enjoy. Beer holder or not.

Oh, and I tore that “Do Not Remove” tag right the hell off that hammock. I’m a rebel. That’s how I roll.

I suppose I should get started on those reports that are due. In a little while. When the mosquitos come out. How the hell did I live without a hammock all these years?

(Update: HOLY SHIT! When I wrote this it was 5:00 in NEPAL! Granted it was 5am… but I dunno what time the bars close there. Do they even have bars there? I’m pretty sure those climbers need to be pretty liquored up before they climb those mountains. )


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